Swine of the times: why is Kevin Bacon looking for a new home?

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Name: Kevin Bacon.

Age: Four.

Four!? The guy who does the ads for the mobile network? Looks older. OK, so first of all, “the guy who does the ads for the mobile network” is 62 and a serious Hollywood actor. Best known for Footloose, A Few Good Men, Apollo 13, Mystic River …

Before selling his soul to a mobile phone network. Well, maybe. But anyway, no, not that Kevin Bacon.

Which Kevin Bacon? Kevin Bacon the pig.

What kind of pig? He is a kunekune.

And where is he based? Near Edinburgh.

Go on then, what’s the story? Scottish animal welfare charity, the SPCA, is hoping to find a new home for Kevin Bacon after his owner could no longer care for him. “We would love to find Kevin the forever home he deserves,” said Diane Aitcheson, the manager of the rescue and rehoming centre where Kevin Bacon is staying.

Any special requirements? He’s not keen on potatoes, but loves fruit. “He would love a home in a farm-type setting in the Edinburgh area with someone who has experience with pigs and the relevant CPH licence to keep them,” Aitcheson continued.

CPH? The County Parish Holding. Like an a HGV licence but for keeping livestock, I guess. You might need an HGV licence if Kevin doesn’t find a home and has to go to market …

Nooooo! How did you become aware of the story. Twitter, obviously. There was a link to a piece in the Edinburgh Evening News doing the rounds?

Why? Who tweeted it? Kevin Bacon.

Pigs are so clever! No, the pig didn’t tweet. The actual Kevin Bacon tweeted.

The mobile pho … actor. Who found his own forever home, the one he deserves, with EE. And has been bringing home the you-know-what ever since? That one. “Help find a fellow Kevin a home?” he tweeted, to his 670,300 followers.

Does that mean Kevin Bacon the pig has a Bacon number of one? If you’re referring to six degrees of Kevin Bacon, the game where you have to find the shortest path between someone (an actor, usually) and Kevin Bacon the actor, then I guess it does.

It could become a thing, appropriate celebs helping animal charities out. Ryan Gosling and a goose orphanage say. Megan Fox, Seal, Snoop Dogg …

Snoop’s too busy selling out to Just Eat. Speaking of which, I’m hungry.

Do say: “Another piece of plum pudding, Kevin? Go on, it’s Christmas. And welcome to your new home!”

Don’t say: “Another pig in blanket anyone? They’re rather special, these ones, kunekune …”

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